The persecution: Paul
I don’t care what I want to visit Vietnam, but why at Christmas, one time our family is always together?
Mum recently booked a Christmas holiday in Vietnam with his partner Mike. I didn’t realize he wanted to leave with Mike, that I wanted. But he booked the trip without telling me or my brother Christine.
We don’t want our mom to be happy, and we’re both adults (I’m 28, she’s 32). But since our father’s death in 2016, we spent every Christmas as a family.
There is no understanding from the mother what it feels like to suddenly change traditions without your input. It is especially difficult because these traditions are kept in place so that we can all be safer after Dad’s death. A small head-up will be nice.
Mum has always made a huge Christmas deal. Since Dad died he didn’t want to be alone, so Christine and I made sure we spent with her in our former home or our father’s family. As if Mum had now found something better to do, he was moving it without a word. If Christine and I did that, we wouldn’t hear the end of it.
Mum said “You are old enough to review your own Christmas now”, but that’s not the issue. She needs to see why it’s hard for us after spending every Christmas together as a family since I was a baby. There is a hypocrisy there from the mother, but also a lack of empathy. I am sad that he cannot see it from our perspective and tell us we are trying to control him or break his plans. He didn’t seem to care about us now that he met Mike.
I know I’m almost 30, but my friends still spend Christmas with their families – expect that the way it is always. We are still mourning for Dad, so any changes to our family plans will affect us.
I want Mum to be happy and enjoy her retirement, but also listen to how Christine feels. He was very impressed that he was not wrong. We have all spoken but it has been difficult since he book this holiday. I want to move forward and I know he does the same.
The defense: Margaret
Paul called me selfish in booking the trip without telling him. But I’m 68 and I want to see the world
I recently booked a holiday with my partner Mike in Vietnam for Christmas. I have never been to Asia before and get inspiration from Christine and Paul, who traveled much in their early 20s. I didn’t get to while I had responsibilities, like raising them, but I was retiring now and I wanted to see the world.
However, Christine and Paul were annoyed that I booked the trip without telling them. We haven’t spoken since I told them on the phone a few weeks ago. They both said I should run them first, because we spent every Christmas together since their father’s death.
I understand that this is different for them, but their father has been out for almost 10 years and things are changing. I don’t think I need to wish their permission to enjoy my life. Paul called me selfish, that I was angry. He said that since we maintained our Christmas traditions, they should consult, but I don’t think I did something wrong. I must allow to continue.
Christine and Paul are cooperating with Mike, who I now live. We bought a house two years ago when I sold my family family to grow up. That was an emotional time, but my kids supported me.
They like Mike and know that their father wants me to go on. He said that before he died after a long illness. But the issue on this holiday seems to have brought a lot of emotions for children. Christine was not happy and barely told me. We used to talk on the phone every week. Paul said he felt abandoned, but that was not my purpose. They both live in the distance, and I worry they will stop going to see me.
Mike said we should cancel the holiday and I begin to agree with him. I don’t want to cause a rift and it may be easier to rearrange the trip for another time. My kids are adults but acting like babies about it. They are both single but it is not my fault. It’s hard for everyone but I have to do what I want. I was 68 and after watching my husband died once I remember how long I had left.
The jury of the guardian readers
Should Margaret consult with her adult children about her holiday plans?
Although Margaret has the right to travel and enjoy his retirement, he should realize that it is difficult for children. I don’t think he needs to cancel the holiday, but recognizing that he can handle it better and maybe lock on a different date to spend the quality of family time is in order.
Emily, 34
The family that spends Christmas is a convention, and Margaret broke it without the beauty of consulting her children and hearing their views.
Chris, 39
Although I understand that the loss of a long family tradition is frustrating (and maybe Margaret should discuss it with her family), it’s time for her to have fun. Paul is old enough to make something else. Maybe it’s time to start a new tradition?
Theresa, 48
Margaret was not guilty of the desire to make the most of his retirement with his new partner, but he was guilty of handling the situation by accident. It seems that a lot of hurt can be avoided if he asks how his children felt before booking a holiday.
FLO, 27
Knowing Paul and Christine will avoid concerns and hurt feelings for everyone involved. Don’t cancel the holiday though, enjoy it with a mix of emotions – and with Mike, poor guy!
Frits, 40
Now you are the judge
In our online poll, tell us who do you think is wrong?
Polls closed on Thursday 27 March at 10am GMT
Results of the past week
We asked if Rupi’s girlfriend Raf was wrong to want to echo the original fixtures and fittings in their Victorian house.
95% of you said yes – Raf is guilty
5% of that you said no – Raf is not guilty
