The question My husband and I live in different countries and meet each other once a year. The last time we saw each other we argued all the time and slept in a separate bed. I will go to him soon and I remember seeing someone else, even though I have no proof. She expects sex from me, and I think I should protect myself by wearing a condom. How should I go to the condom suggestion without her annoying, especially if she’s really honest?
Philippa replied Your wedding seems not good. Instead of worrying about condoms, I think you need to think and talk about your relationship. It seems like you will need time to fix and get to know each other again, and gradually find a place that feels natural and comfortable for both of you.
Perhaps what is needed here is less prophylactic protection but the bond protection that seems weaker. You consider a barrier in the form of a condom because you think he or she may be not honest, but it may be worthwhile to reflect on whether this impulse to protect yourself comes from a deeper place, the one that not completely about his actions. Perhaps you are posting her your own feelings of connectivity, or even your own unbelief in marriage?
Faith does not just have to take the form of treachery. It can be a slow erosion of trust and care, allowing fear and resentment to take space that can sometimes be filled with love and loyalty. So, instead of putting a barrier between you, think about how you can approach this reunion with openness and a willingness to uncover what is really between you today, however uncomfortable that can be felt. Instead of treating your marriage as something that is protected against, it may be something to care for and understand, even if it means to deal with the difficult facts within yourself.
If a good marriage is what you both then, honesty and authenticity will need. The real approach does not happen without weakness, and you both have to be prepared to share facts that may not be easily revealed. This means asking and answering questions beyond the objects on the surface, allowing each of you to see the rest of your worst forms. Here are some questions to consider asking each other, with the promise to answer honestly, and listen to the answers without defensive.
How can we both feel safe to speak openly, without fear of judgment or resentment? How can we feel everyone connected to our separate lives, and what can we do to make those connections true? What brings each of us when we think about our future? If there is a way in which I am hurting or disappointed with you, what is it? What is your biggest fear in our relationship, and what do you think we can do to deal with it? How do you feel close to me, and how do you feel far away? What is one thing you like but don’t feel like asking our wedding? How can we help everyone free and support in this relationship, honored our individuality and union?
The purpose of such questions is not to accuse or defend, but to understand each other. If you go forward, you will need to be willing to listen without jumping into conclusions, acting defensive or retreating in silence. It is about rebuilding the connection by creating a space for the truth, even if the fact that it reveals painful areas that need work.
If you truly seek a good marriage, the one developed in trust, compassion and shared values, you may find that the most difficult job is not in an effort to confirm or reject suspicions, but in letting Publicity in full. It means doing understanding each other’s inner worlds, entering into each other’s experiences. The assumption, in this light, is less about the proximity and more about the existence, about seeing each other’s weaknesses and receiving non -judgment.
When you interact with the type of dialogue that draws you closer, allowing each of you to understand and safe, you may find that this “protection” question is changing. It’s no longer about watching over yourself with each other but about being open to each other. If you both may rely on this weakness, you may find that protection is not from barriers or caution, but from a deeper, more resilient trust.
So re-establish a bond where you both feel safe, just by being fully and honest, by exploring your hope, your needs and your fear together. With that openness, the question of whether you need protection may not only be necessary, but next to the point. Re -marry takes time, these conversations need to be re -evaluated, but by making the feeling really connected you can find yourself to discover a trust that can withstand distance and change.
Another point: just because someone hopes to have sex with them, that doesn’t mean you should have sex with them. Have sex if and when do you like the same.
The book you want everything you want to read (and maybe some of you) by Philippa Perry is now on paperback. Buy it for £ 10.99 at GuardianBookshop.com
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